Stairmastering

 Hornli Hut, Switzerland - photo by JoAnn Sturman

Scott Sturman

“If you can read a book or make sense of a television program while exercising on the Stairmaster, then you’re not working hard enough.”  -- W.R. Priskna

Once again it is time to head to the local gym and hop on the Stairmaster to prepare for the next trek.  In front of my machine a bank of television screens broadcasts sports, news, and ABC.  The management makes certain both FOX and CNN are displayed, so each political party can dispense their verse of Pravda equally to all exercisers.  But the carefully tabulated programming bias does not take into account the political leanings of non news programs, and ABC’s The View is a good example of the insidious nature political indoctrination masked as entertainment.  Today, viewers are treated to another provocative show from the ABC affiliate of the Barrack Obama Fan Club, as the hostesses contemplate the President’s favorite movie or extol his extraordinary breath of talent and insight.  There’s sure to be a riveting interview of some brain-dead guest from the entertainment industry, who Joy, Barbara, Whoopi, and Sheri will cajole into repeating the talking points of the DNC. 

But enough of that and back to exercising.  On either side of me on adjacent Stairmasters are two Spandex clad athletes both with their eyes pasted to the television and their legs moving furiously in a piston-like motion.  My concern is not the disbelief of two adults enthralled by low brow propaganda, but the manner in which they use the machine.  To impress themselves or fellow gym rats, both are maxed out at level 20 and face forward during their entire routine.  The man to my left is bent over 90 degrees at the waist with his body draped over the handrails, while the woman on the right stands erect with her arms pronated 180 degrees, elbows locked, and each hand clasping the rail.  Neither is breathing particularly hard or dripping with perspiration which allows them to capture every uttered nuance on the television.  Perhaps the ease of effort has something to do with their legs having to support less than half of their body weight.

To get the most out of a Stairmaster workout, one should learn to use it without relying on arm support.  Exercising in this manner for an extended time at even moderate levels of resistance requires balance and extreme cardiovascular endurance, but the real test is the ability to walk the stairs sideways, backwards, side to side, two at a time, and in 360 degree circles.  All techniques require one to stand up straight, just as one should do when hiking.  Sideways steps teach one place the foot flat on the step, thus minimizing the use of muscles of the lower leg, which can lead to fatigue on demanding terrain.  Walking backwards strengthens the hamstrings and helps prevent posterior knee pain common when hiking downhill.  The side to side step teaches one to face up the hill and move the legs laterally across the path to take advantage of optimum footing.  Double steps strengthen the extensor muscle groups of the hip and thigh, and although Small Steps are recommended when ascending a trail, it is helpful to have the capability to take large vertical steps.  The last maneuver, where one turns in full circles both clockwise and counter clockwise without arm support, requires both agility and balance and is sure to catch the attention of gym patrons–a valuable technique for the single crowd.

Soaked in sweat and glad to be nearly done with my work out, I glance up at The View and can’t help but think these moo moo dressed stars, who make of big deal of losing ten pounds but forget gaining twenty, should keep their hands out of the cookie jar.  As William Randolph Hearst used to quip, “Rules are only for the small people.”