Really, Really Retired Men

Butterflies near Iguazu Falls - photo by JoAnn Sturman

Scott Sturman
fliesinyoureyes.com

It’s easy to spot the really, really retired men in the locker room of the local gymnasium.  After reading the newspaper and having a cup of coffee at home, it’s off to the gym with a bag brimming with every possible piece of equipment necessary for a long soak in the whirlpool.  They are bull elephants whose work outs include a ten minute ride at level one on an exercise bicycle with an hour decompression in the jacuzzi and sauna.  The session is invariably followed by a long, unhurried shower and a shave at a sink while standing naked in front of a mirror sufficiently large to admire every inch of their body.  It is, of course, impossible to apply too much after shave lotion before sauntering to their locker to get dressed.  It takes a lot of space for a really, really retired man to dress, so while still seated on a bench next to his locker, clothes are strewn ten feet on either side of him to insure no one encroaches on this lair.  Then its back to the mirror to insure every hair is in place and make final clothing adjustments in preparation for a visit to the coffee shop with like minded friends.

These events invariably occur in the morning and follow a strict routine.  Perhaps there will be a detour to a scale for a weigh in before a work out begins, but these daily activities are ritualized.  Anyone in their presence notes there never seems to be a rush about anything, nor lack of time for conversation, which tends to be loud and boisterous among cronies but indifferent to others outside the herd. 

One may have the impression really, really retired men are septuagenarians or older, and forty years ago this would have been a correct observation.  However, in these times membership often includes men in their forties and fifties.  This is hardly surprising now that it is not uncommon to receive permanent disability for back pain, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, or anxiety.  With early retirements from the public sector funded by defined benefit pension plans, it is difficult to find an open spot in the locker room on any weekday morning.  It is no surprise a lot of really, really retired men have full heads of hair with very little grey.