Interview with Senator John "Lurch" Kerry

Storm at Death Valley - photo by JoAnn Sturman

Scott Sturman
fliesinyoureyes.com

Flies In Your Eyes begins a series of interviews with nationally known politicians. Since the site is relatively unknown, the interviewees have an opportunity for the first time in their lives to express their true, non scripted opinions without having to pay the price for their candor.

FIYE: Thank you for joining us, Senator. As you know, this site offers a unique venue where you can express your views without sanction from the national press. First of all, due to the informality of the interview, it has been our experience that the interviewee is more comfortable and forthcoming if titles are ignored, and we address you by the name commonly used within the intimate family circle. What name would you prefer?

Senator Kerry: Lurch. Ever since I watched the Addams Family, I was impressed by this tall, handsome, and debonair character. Without being overly boastful I think I look quite a lot like him.

FIYE: Very well. You look hale and hearty today, Lurch. How did you regain your vigor after those three horrific war wounds suffered in Vietnam Nam?

Lurch: Those were only scratches, but knowing the system and having connections in the military and political establishment, I was able to to parlay them into Purple Hearts.

FIYE: Do you have a sense of guilt that these minor, incidental wounds brought you the same recognition as someone who lost a limb or sustained a massive head injury?

Lurch: A scratch is as good as a leg I say. I’m just following the rules.

FIYE: The awarding of the Bronze and Silver Stars has been no less controversial. It seems men and women who have experienced more danger and exhibited far more heroism in combat have received lesser or no awards for their deeds.

Lurch: Very true. Look, as I have stated already, I come from a family with powerful friends. These friends are able to influence decisions throughout all facets of society. Military combat decorations are worth thousands of votes. Until the Swift Boat jerks questioned my combat record, the voters of Massachusetts accepted me as a warrior; it made my opponents look effete and servile.

FIYE: The economy is in shambles. You have been named to the twelve member board which will make recommendations on how to best lower the national debt. What special qualifications to you have to render advice in these matters?

Lurch: The Democratic Party uses me as a hatchet man. In my speeches I also like to use words like “nuanced” that the peasants either don’t understand or think I have a reservoir of novel ideas that no mortal could possess.

FIYE: We noticed you used the word “peasants” when referring to the American people. Do you feel your reputation for haughtiness is reflected in this term?

Lurch: I am a very successful and wealthy man. Men like me are born to lead.

FIYE: The record indicates you were not a particularly gifted student nor accomplished businessman. What is your secret to success?

Lurch: I married well - twice. Having access to hundreds of millions of dollars without spending the time or effort to earn it gives a man time to lead. My extraordinary political skills would be wasted if I were forced to deal with the daily tedium of running a business. No, men like me don’t have to scrape and take risks. I am sufficiently nuanced and talented that I could instantly become an effective leader. In Massachusetts once a Democrat is elected to the Senate, it is his job until he quits or dies. Money, connections, and a sympathetic press trump any qualifications an opponent may bring to the table.

FIYE: You oppose term limits?

Lurch: Of course! Term limits would deny America its best leaders - public servants like myself and my friends Barney Frank, Maxine Waters, and John McCain. Geez! If I could have run against McCain, I’d be President.

FIYE: What do you think of McCain?

Lurch: We have some things in common. He’s not as smart or nuanced as I am, but his father gave him more opportunities than he deserved. I give John a lot of credit for marrying into big money. He did a hell of a job as a POW, but since then deep down inside he just wants to be loved. Can you imagine how helpless he would have been in a debate with me?

FIYE: How do you keep you hair looking so leonine?

Lurch: I use a number of beauty products that keep every follicle in place whether I am wind surfing in Spandex or delivering a nuanced speech on the floor of the Senate.

FIYE: Before we conclude, even the most impartial observer would aver that Mario Rubio made you look childlike and befuddled when you challenged him on the floor of the United Senate about increasing the national debt.

Lurch: He surprised me. I had practiced two questions for him for hours the night before his speech. I figured since he was not nuanced and did not use notes or a Teleprompter my legendary debating techniques would rip him to shreds and send him back to Florida. In hindsight I figured he would hem and haw like Obama when caught off guard without notes. Yeah, he did kick my ass, but CNN, MSNBC, and NPR didn’t air it, so nobody knows. Just like this interview for FIYE.