Interview with Barney "Bucephalus" Frank

Hassan II Mosque in Casablanca, Morocco - photo by JoAnn Sturman

Scott Sturman
fliesinyoureyes.com

Flies In Your Eyes begins a series of interviews with nationally known politicians. Since the site is relatively unknown, the interviewees have an opportunity for the first time in their lives to express their true, non scripted opinions without having to pay the price for their candor.

FIYE: Thank you for joining us, Congressman. As you know, this site offers a unique venue where you can express your views without sanction from the national press. First of all, due to the informality of the interview, it has been our experience that the interviewee is more comfortable and forthcoming if titles are ignored, and we address you by the name commonly used within the intimate family circle. What name would you prefer?

Congressman Frank: Bucephalus. The horse is my favorite animal, and I love the way the ancient Greeks treated little boys. Alexander the Great’s horse, Bucephalus, was an easy choice.

FIYE: You have been criticized for promoting legislation which undermined the housing and banking industries and precipitated the recession. The record seems to confirm this, yet you are returned to Congress by landslide margins every two years.

Bucephalus: I represent a safe district, and the main stream media loves me. I’m a poster boy. To tell the truth, I don’t think my constituents care what I do in Congress or in my personal life. They feel inclusive and non judgmental when they vote for someone with an alternate life style. They are so hung up with the social justice argument that they think voting against me is discrimination rather than a disagreement with my political viewpoint.

FIYE: You weathered storms regarding your boyfriend and accusations of sex for sale.

Bucephalus: I don’t represent the Bible Belt. Issues like these may be important in Oklahoma or Alabama, but the voters in my district couldn’t care less.

FIYE: What about Anthony Weiner and his resignation? The accusations against him pale in comparison to what you faced.

Bucephalus: What Anthony did was no big deal, and his constituents were okay with him. His problem was his abrasive personality, and he got to be too big an embarrassment for the Democrats. He’s not a warm, fuzzy, and likable guy like I am. And to be frank (excuse the pun), if the party makes trouble with me, they are going to piss off one of their biggest support groups. Weiner was expendable; I’m not.

FIYE: You’ve served in Congress for thirty years. Any thoughts about passing the torch?

Bucephalus: Are you joking? It’s the only life I’ve known. Where else could someone like me have an opportunity to influence the direction of the country? We may lose the 2012 election, but the Republicans will screw it up again. With my seniority I’ll be Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee. I can wait; only death can defeat me.

FIYE: Do you feel at all responsible for the current economic conditions in the country?

Bucephalus: Only that with the sssubstantial mmmajorities in the Hhhouse and Sssenate and Bbbarrack in the Oval Oooffice, we did not go far eeenough, fast eeenough. Tttaxes ssshould have been iiincreased and more eeeconomic activity ddddirected by the fffederal government. Excuse my ssstuttering, I jjjust get so uuupset ttthinking about the lost oooportunity.

FIYE: Relax, Bucephalus, you’re not talking to NPR. A famous Greek orator had the same problem and put pebbles in his mouth, but that may effect your love life. To keep your options open, take a deep breath and a couple of tugs on this bottle of scotch. You’ll have the gift of gab before you know it.

Bucephalus: Thank you. Your so sweet and understanding. As I was saying, we in Washington know a lot more about what is good for the country than the average redneck living in Plainsville, USA.

FIYE: Time is running short, and you must return to Washington. What are you thoughts on socialism?

Bucephalus: It’s the ideal form of government, otherwise there will always be unfair distributions of wealth and income. Equality of result is the goal. We’ve got to level the playing field and insure no one fails.

Boy that scotch was yummy! The words are just bursting out of my mouth. Next time FIYE interviews me, I’m changing my name to Demosthenes.